‘I Attempted Suicide And Tortured Myself After I Got Raped’ -Diary Of...

‘I Attempted Suicide And Tortured Myself After I Got Raped’ -Diary Of ANN

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One of the aftermaths of violence is suicide. When people are constantly abused and made to feel worthless, they resort to taking their own lives to put an end to their suffering.
Only a few extremely lucky or brave ones make it out of a violent relationship alive. Some end up being killed by their abuser while others end their lives themselves.
This is a story of Ann who felt suicide was her only way out of a violent relationship.
“I had been seeing this guy for just over three months. We both drank a lot. One night, he got really mad at me and he called me a lot of names, and then pushed me against the wall. I got really scared but he said he was sorry and he’d never do it again.
Another night, he wanted to make love and I asked him to put on a condom. He said he didn’t have one. I asked him to stop, and he wouldn’t. And he said that it didn’t matter, not to worry about it. At first, I sort of laughed cause i thought he was joking, but then I realized he was serious and I got scared. I told him to stop but he wouldn’t, and I pushed him away but he pushed me back and pinned me down with his body. He was very strong. He raped me.
I had been abused as a child, and I had told him about it. I was very depressed already, and I had been cutting myself. Things got really bad after the rape. I tried to kill myself. I think I just wanted to cut myself really bad and I cut too deep, and I ended up nearly dead. They had to rush me to the hospital.
I started to get counselling and had to deal with all the childhood abuse, and also all the alcohol and drugs I had done and all the people I had slept with. And also I talked about how much I’d cut myself, and burn myself. I was going crazy, and all I could think about was killing myself. I hated myself too. But getting counselling and a support group and getting anti-depressants really really helped.
My sisters and my friends saved my life and I put them through hell. I didn’t really start to change until one night I felt with my BODY that I wasn’t to blame. I really was screwed up and doing the best I could. I realized that I had to forgive myself for some things, that I wasn’t to blame. And I realised that I would have to continue forgiving myself for my mistakes.
Abuse doesn’t get better if you don’t do anything; it just keeps getting worse. You have to be your own friend. You have to have compassion for yourself. You have to forgive yourself. You deserve better. You are a precious human being and you deserve to be treated with respect. And you can’t ever give up. Don’t hurt yourself. Hang in there – you are not alone.

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