The news and the video interview she granted is all out there, all about how she was humilated, lied against and physically abused by the husband and father of her baby. This is the ugly face of Domestic violence and abuse.
We all saw what she wanted us to see, a perfect and a happy couple, some wished they were as lucky as her, sometimes she even displayed expensive present bought by the husband, all to show how much she was loved and adored.
This is the fantasy we women live for, this is the life we look to when we meet a prince in shining armour, that when it now becomes the opposite, we still get stuck in the fantasy of what we thought it was, we refuse to come out from the clouds to see the dark mist we are being held, we so desperately cling to that deceptive front the man presented at the beginning of the courtship.
Watch video interview by Tonto Dikeh
. It so overshadows our sense of reason that we live in denial for long hoping and praying he change , but will he ?…. no I say, because this is the real him. that which we first see is the pretentious side, the deceptive cloak abusers wear to lure women into their web and start abusing them. know this, a leopard never changes its colour.
Tonto shows scars of abuse by husband.
As the real him unfolds the naive women start giving excuses for why this man has suddenly turned a monster and that my dear sisters is where the emotional abuse kicks in, not only is this person physically abusing you but he is also emotionally abusing you too.
You inability to leave when the physical abuse started automatically gives him control over you, he sees you as hopeless, weak, and he prides himself as he pity’s you for having you as no one wants you.
As you struggle to make sense or try to understand why he’s changed or like I said make excuses for him, you begin to lose yourself, your identity, you lose your mental balance and on ability to function and think as you diminishes. The abuser sees himself as the right doer and you as the one that has made him this way to you
The victim mental balance which has is now impaired clouds sense of judgment. This gets worst as abuse progresses. You no longer can see what this person is doing to you, you can only see him the way he wants you to, the redeemer of your you.
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Best expressed in Tonto Dikeh words and I quote her
“The domestic violence is real. It’s real. How I lived to suffer it over and over again I do not understand “
Victims of domestic violence always ask this question when they eventually get the courage to walk out of an abusive relationship. I asked that exact question. Memories of the physical and emotional abuse you went through while never leaves you, you only process it out as you rebirth a new you.This memories cripples your existence, you struggle everyday to try to understand why this person treated you the way he did, you have now come out of the phase of making excuses for his behaviour to now asking yourself, how and why did I allow myself to go through all of that.
You feel so much anger towards you, as time progresses, you get angry too with the immediate community and society at large. You begin to wonder how many others are presently walking in your shoes, then you get gripped with fear as you realise you could have died as many have. This is the point you breakout from the anger, self pity and you begin to celebrate the you that survived.
I say to every survivor today, stop with the self blame, nothing was ever your fault, your abuser did not only hit you in physical but also hit your psychological wellbeing thereby distorting your mental capacity to make sense of what he was doing, that I say today to victims out, is the most damaging of domestic violence.
To victims, you can do what Tonto has done, walk away, speak out, save another woman out there!
You might be hopeless, don’t have any support system, no one to turn to, but I still say walk away, ask as many strangers as you can for help, you will be amazed the help you will find out there.
All you have to do is look up and ask for help!!
We salute your courage Tonto. Keep your head up and stay strong.